In Conversation With My Heart

self-doubt-fear-mental-health
Me: Should I speak the truth or should I keep to myself? Should I let them know how they make me feel or hide my emotions away as I have done so far? It’s strange they never get to understand how they made me feel. It’s strange I never had the courage to speak my heart. How could I say something to them when I am not even sure of myself? How could I come up front and make points based on my beliefs and feelings? Wouldn’t they hate me more for it? I don’t want to be looked down on. I don’t want to be hurt for non-acceptance. Will it be okay for me to tell my parents that I don’t know what I want to become? Wouldn’t it break their heart? Should I keep it to myself and try more? It’s hard. Should I tell my partner that I don’t know how to express her how much she means to me? Would that be okay if I ask her to help me? Wouldn’t she leave me for another man knowing that I am a dumbhead! No, I can’t let her go. No, I can’t hurt their feelings. No, I can’t hurt my parents saying that I am still confused about what tomorrow may bring. I don’t want them all to think they have raised a confused and stubborn failure. Or should I try? Maybe my partner will understand and be kind and compassionate towards me. Maybe she will look me in the eye, hug me tight and say that she loves me back and won’t ever let go. Maybe my parents will understand my feelings and stand strong with me. Maybe my people will come forward and accept me for who I am if I share my opinion instead of avoiding them for real.
I wish there’s a way for me to know what will happen if I speak my truth to my love, my family and my society. I wish there’s a way. I wish. 
Heart: Well, there is! And you can get through with these only if you ASK. 

Me: Ask!!! No, it’s really tough, I can’t ask it from them. I have tried in the past and I have received signs that things can’t be in the way I want them to be. My society people would betray me, my partner will be depressed like anything and my parents would think what a failure they have raised.  How can I affect so many lives because of me? How can I tell my parents that I want to be more than one thing? How can I say it’s tough for me to be looked at from just one perspective?
Heart: It’s the only way, you have to. Or else the cloud of doubts and hurtful emotions will stay with you. Every day it will remind you for how free you could be if you have the guts to show up, and every day it will break you a little. Some of the days, you feel this void doesn’t exist because there will be things which makes you happy, but as the clouds leave, you will realise you were never free. These clouds of doubts, fear of what if, will take multiple forms and keep coming to you.
With your limited time with those you love, they will feel the void but never understand what it is before it’s over from one of you. Your people leave the world without knowing the love and kindness you have, just because you have pushed yourself far from them because you never trusted them with the truth. Your own body will punish you with an illness that is the result of holding on to these emotions, and you will be bound forever.
Chances are more that you pass on the same sense of worry, fear and rigidness on to some of the most loved people from your life, your children. They could have the same miserable life as you will have for your emotions. 
Me: No, I can’t let that happen. No. No. NOOOO! I can’t do this! what I should do.

Heart: Simple, you speak. You let it all go. You find your freedom and beauty in your relationships.  You speak from your heart and the light of their heart will listen, and if they fail to, you will have to face that. You might have to go to some of the tough times with the people you love, but things will fall in the right place eventually. When people love us, they love the whole of us, and that’s why they will get you. And even if they don’t get, at least you tried and in the process, you have availed freedom of the lifetime- not only for yourself but for all those you be in a relationship with. For the ones which will come after you. It’s time to let go of the self-doubt and fear of uncertainty for the ones who matter for you. For yourself. 
Express your truth and you shall be free.
Me: Thanks for setting me free! I know what to do next! 

 

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