What if there’s still time?
I don’t remember how I got there, but I remember how it felt.
I felt confused when I found myself sitting close to my grandmother at a railway station. I could clearly see a small bag with me and a big one with her. I tried to look her in the eyes and felt mesmerized. It was the same wrinkly but full of love face, she seems so full of life as she always has been. Somewhere in my heart, I felt like it’s been ages since I have seen her (10 years since she left us in person) but I somehow felt like everything is just like old times.
I felt confused about this journey, so I looked her in the eyes and asked, “where are we going, daadi (grand mom)?”
She smiled at me and said, “somewhere far, I suppose. You were already sad and wanted to go, no?”
I said nothing but looked back questioningly. Suddenly, thoughts about my failures and troubles begin to come back to me. I had big dreams when I started my journey, and also had found my gift which could have helped me make my own identity. I did something, wrote a book, did some part of my share but not enough and it’s time to go. It just felt bad inside my bones.”
She sensed and said, “what are you feeling my child? Don’t you want to go with me?”
I looked and just remembered all the good times I had with her, the evening walks at the parks, old school storytelling, her warmth and love. I wanted to go. In a heartbeat, but I felt bad. I felt bad for not living my truth. Not following my voice. I didn’t know how to say that to her. I just looked down to grab my bag and said,” everything is ending here, I think it’s time.”
I felt a sudden rush of people coming to the platforms, people with families. They all seem distressed and want to grab on the train. I heard the siren as well, it was just about to reach the platform.
I was about to stand when she held my hand and said, “don’t worry, child. I know you since the start, you have been my silver boy! I am sure you have done a lot and you have done your best. You know how much we love you, Nikku!”
I felt the same warmth as I used to in my childhood, I looked at her with a heavy heart and said, “No daadi, I haven’t. I haven’t lived my truth. When I had time, I wasted it on holidays, watching Netflix, and sleeping. Apart from this, I kept on working for a living. I feel like I never went for love. I didn’t do big, I wanted to write more, travel more and speak my truth but somehow wasted everything for running after meaningless pleasures. Now it’s over, I don’t have time. I failed. I never did live my true potential when I had the time and now there’s none.”
She hugged me as if she badly want to and felt heavenly and then,
She whispered in my ear, “What if there’s still time?”
And then, I woke up!